Past Times: Part 1 (I suppose)

As a child, I didn't really have much of a life to look forwarded too. Yet again, if I tell my story, it may seem like nothing. OK well, It will 99% seem like nothing if you compare my life to someone Else's.

I have parents, a sibling and a once, living pet. I have a home, a bed, education, food, technology such as a computer, phone, Ipod etc, I buy clothes, my parents have money and well, seems like that's it. From one way to look at it, I was lucky to have parents -both of them. I wasn't starving, I didn't feel cold, I had a roof over my head. Some things that people could dream of and wish to have. Especially if you're someone having so little. But, there is more to that than the regular "You have a home, parents and food. Who cares? Your life must be great!" But, is it truly? There is more to life that just being able to sleep in a bed or worrying about what you might eat the next day. There is always more to the story, than just the synopsis. You must read on, to truly understand.

Now, this gets personal. Then again, should I really be telling the people of the Internet about my life? Well. I need to vent my feelings, thoughts and myself. As I type each word, sentence and paragraph, past memoires run in my head which I needed to overcome.

Once upon a time..- No. This isn't a fairy tale, not some made up story, and defiantly not fake. The only thing that is similar between my story and a fairy tale, is having that "happy ending" Well, maybe. Depends on how you see. OK moving on.

Truth be told, I don't know how to begin my story. How I should start it, maybe even how I must end it. Right now, at this moment, I am kind of just stalling time as I figure out how to begin. Now, there are gonna be a lot of paragraphs. Ironic. When I had to type essays, I had a hard time creating a paragraph. Yet when it comes to something personal, I just can't seem to stop. Well, here I go, beginning what I said earlier. (Or you could just read everything above if you didn't know).

I am 15 years old, turning 16 soon. I was born on October 2nd, 1996 (29 days early of my holiday). I am currently going into grade 11 and in the future, I want to be a Social Worker. Ryerson University is where I want to go to get my BSW (Bachelor of Social Work). I am shy, too shy as I don't like talking to people unless I've known them previously. I have a lot of phobias. I've been broken hearted but I am 100% over it. I wear glasses. I am NEVER in style with the trend at the high school I am currently going too. Oh those shoes, that are "in style", you won't see me where them. Those jewelry, electronic devices, clothes etc. I won't wear them and be a ''wannabe" or a follower. No. You will see me and my best friend, in the corner, eating our lunch and just enjoy our privacy as we laugh at those who try so hard to fit in since we are ourselves.  Now, enough of my present. This is my past.

When I was a kid, a child, a young adult (if you may) or my favourite, a "youngin", life was something I didn't really want to think about. I was scared about tomorrows, dreading my yesterdays, and fearing the present. I wasn't always the happy one so I was the opposite; sad, lonely, depressed, suicidal and there could be so much more adjectives that described my feelings and myself as well. I wasn't doing well in my classes from Grade 4-8. Especially in math, where I was on the edge of failing. Barely passing. 56%, 58%, 53 %. And I was happy just getting a 60%. Maybe even higher. Though I always did well in International Languages such as French and Italian (Ever since watching the "Big Bang Theory", I think of saying it as "..Eyetalian". Oh Sheldon.) Anyways, I was, I guess you could say, a "bad kid" in elementary school, which, had the dumbest name. But I won't say. I nearly got suspended, twice for the same thing. Forging. Since I got bad grades and marks in my subjects, especially math, how could I let my parents sign my test without getting yelled at and beaten? So, there was a simple answer. Sign it yourself, which I did from Grade 4-7. I used my dads signature since it was so easy to do. Until, my fourth grade teacher pulled me out of class and questioned the signature on my test. Then there was an interview requested and  then, yelling and beating. Many people would say that you're getting abused but, in my case, it was corporal punishment. In Canada, you are able to "discipline" your child from ages 2-13. Something I learnt in Civics class in Grade 10. Unless, it was more than just discipline and you are not really getting abused. 

Lost train of thought. I will continue Later

Guess whose group didn't finish their Food and Nutrition assignment that was due today? And guess who had to bring it home to finish it -.-

Tea.

Odd. I had to teabag my paper to make it look old for a History Assignment and it relaxed me immensely.

I think it is amazing as to how emotions can truly change someones mood very easily. For instance, if you feel mad then the whole word seems like a threat to you and you don't really want to talk to anyone. For me, that is how I feel today but I really don't want to feel this way. I am usually upbeat and happy and nothing will annoy me because I always have my music around with me, but if something happens to me the day before, I tend to have a different attitude the next day. For instance, today in Food and Nutrition Class, two of my group members didn't print out what they needed to print for an assignment that is due tomorrow and it got me upset. I usually wouldn't care because I did my part and my part of the project was complete. But when they suggested that they were going to bring their printout tomorrow and we could rush it before the presentation, that only made my head hurt. Sometimes, marks is a concern of mine because I am planning to get Honor Roll again for grade 10 and throughout High school so I must try to get good marks especially on group projects. We had a supply teacher for the class so it was basically empty (supply teacher = "let's skip") and I was bored, tired and hungry which is a combination that does not work well together. I couldn't do anything in the group, no one could because we couldn't finish it for tomorrow as I had hoped. I live near the school and I was 99 % about to just walk out of the class, go home and eat then come back before the bell rings for third period. I felt so upset yet I tried not to show it because if I did, there would be questions like, "What's wrong? Did something happen? Are you upset? You seem upset." and those questions would only set me off. Class ended, walked through the crowded hallways and to make things better, a couple in front of me were walking slow and I couldn't care less so I had to push my way through people just to get to my third period class which is Careers. All I wanted to do was go to sleep and make sure no one bothered me but I hate feeling like this because it is not me. For the rest of the day, I tried to maintain my attitude towards my friends and to people I didn't know in the crowded hallway until I got home and slept. I still feel like I could punch a hole in the wall and I wouldn't care if my hand got hurt. Perhaps tomorrow will be a better day and perhaps the old me will come back.

Wrong Things.

Is it possible that a person, guy or girl, can say the wrong things? Long-distance relationships can be so hard to do, yet it can be rewarding. I have been in one for almost two months now with my boyfriend. We've known each other for three years. For the first year, we dated for seven months then I broke up with him because we rushed into it and we haven't really gotten the chance to know each other since all our conversations started out as " <33, :), I love you, I miss you" etc and we really did not have a conversation going. The second year we went out for three months, but nothing had changed so I broke up with him. (Keep in mind, I have reasonable reasons). We lost connection until October 2010 and we went out in January until June 2011. But for some reason, I had not really had this sort of "bond" or feeling with him until I started grade 10. We were, I guess you can say, "dealing" and officially started dating as of January 2012. Love has always been a concern to me because I am only 15, yet teenagers these days often use the word "love" many times. We barely talk now because our only communication is through MSN chatting and it sucks. I am 15 years old and he is 18. I know there is an age difference but I didn't think it really mattered until he started going to college. He promised me that he would talk to me more yet he hasn't. Communication is something that I need to have because it is the only thing that we have. He is coming to move in Ontario in Summer but i do not think I can wait that long for him or guarantee that we will still be together. He wants to be with me for a long time (married in simple terms) but I don't like to think about the future and have high expectations and then be let down. I have tried talking to him and giving offline messages about how I felt because we haven't been talking for more than a week and if I give long paragraphs, I am expecting his to be as well but it comes out as "I'm sorry, I am so terrible" But it isn't what I want to hear. He tells me that he understands if I want to leave him and break up with him but that isn't the response I want. I would love it if he would fight for me and tell me why he wants me to be with him. I need him to tell me that he does not want to lose me and that he will do things to help us to talk more and keep the conversation going (it still has not since last time) but he does not tell me that. I need him to say things that will make me remember why we still go out together when we have broken up many times. I need him to give me reasons and remind me what about him makes me want to stay with him and possibly have a future together. I love it when we talk because he makes me happy. The less time we talk, the feelings for him lessen as well. Is he saying the wrong things? Or am I expecting too much for him.